Use 5 Positive Psychology Tips With Your ADHD Child
Positive Psychology is a field of research, and to a lesser extent, a treatment approach, which came out of the work of psychologist Martin Seligman in the early 1990’s. Having done ground-breaking work in the field of depression, he began to realize that perhaps clinicians focus too much time on “what is wrong” with patients and too little time on “what is right.” He argued that perhaps we (psychologist, researchers) should spend more time studying highly successful, happy people to see how they live their lives and think about their experiences. Perhaps we could teach unhappy people to be more like them. His students went on to do research on topics like happiness, gratitude, optimism, forgiveness, identifying one’s strengths, etc.
ADHD kids undergo more negative feedback than other children and are punished much more often. Their day-to-day lives are filled with frustration, with frequent failures, and even social rejection. You can turn this around by using tips from Positive Psychology. It will lift not only your child’s spirit but yours as well
1. At the family dinner table, emphasize the good they did that day.
Children have often told me that dinnertime in their home was a negative experience, filled with criticism and arguing. You can offset this by emphasizing the good.
“Tell us what you got right today.”
“Tell me when you stayed on task and got your work done.
“Did you stay calm when something upsetting happened today? What was it?
“Did you almost do something bad today, but decided not to do it? What was it? How did you stop yourself?”
“Tell us something you remembered to do today, that you used to forget.
“Did you get along well with other kids today in a group? You weren’t bossy, you didn’t argue, you listened? Tell us about it.
2. Close out the day with affection and empathy.
Parenting a difficult child can be draining. The stress of coping with frustration, negative input from the teacher, behavior problems at the daycare center, etc. put a great deal of stress on the parent-child bond. At the end of the day, repair the bond. Give your child a hug. Offer empathy, “It’s not easy to be you, is it? I forgive you. It’s not easy for me to be your (mom) either. Forgive me for yelling at you. I need a hug too. Tomorrow is a new day, and we’ll start over, trying to get things right.”
3. Point out their strengths every chance you get.
Children with ADHD have their shortcomings, their deficits pointed out to them every day by everyone in authority. They are well aware of them. What gets lost in this process is an awareness of their strengths. The research has shown that if they succeed as adults, it will not be because their deficits were erased, but because their strengths were identified, nurtured, and developed through adolescence and into young adulthood.
Good teachers, coaches, religious instructors, and Boy Scout leaders know this and may tell you about what they have observed.
Ex. “Your son acts up in class, but, you know, when he comes out with a strong opinion, he expresses himself well, and the other students listen.”
Ex. “I had some difficulty getting him to settle down and quit joking around, but once he did, he took a leadership role and organized the whole project, delegating duties to the other boys. He really has leadership skills.”
Or it maybe it’s you who points out to your child,
Ex. “You really make me mad sometimes, but I noticed that you were so kind to your grandmother today at the assisted living home, and to the other ladies as well. You can be so sweet with old people, and with little kids too. The way you show kindness to others is amazing sometimes.”
4. Focus on the progress, not the gaps.
Children and adolescents with ADHD are developmentally behind their peers in some fundamental skills such as staying on task, remembering important information, controlling their impulsive behavior, etc. Many parents, even teachers, and clinicians focus on the gaps between where they are currently, and where they ought to be based on their age. Some will say in despair, “He’ll never grow up! He won’t make it!”
Many years ago I learned from a wise parent that this sort of thinking only gets a parent discouraged. It is much better to look backward in time and focus on the progress he’s made. Working with parents, we made a list of small, reachable goals for the next six months, similar to the teacher’s IEP (individual education plan), and charted the child’s progress. At the end of this period, we did a mini review. It might go something like this.
Kyle never remembered to flush the toilet in the past, but now he is doing it more than half the time.
Kyle would argue with me about starting his homework, but now he gets it out and gets started on his own about half the time.
We’ve worked on cleaning up the messes he makes, and now he’s doing it almost all the time. I just have to remind him once.
Kyle has made it through a whole semester without getting suspended even once.
5. Send positive messages of hope and optimism for the future.
The adolescent and young adult years can be especially rough because the impulsive and even reckless actions of youth with ADHD can be harsh, even life-altering. They may want to give up in despair and hopelessness. Be a beacon of light. All it takes is sending a text message every few weeks.
“Today is a new day. Make a fresh start. Get things right. I know you can do it.”
“You have many strengths (name them). Use those today to be successful.”
“You have family and friends all around you who love you and are pulling for you to get your life together. They are ready to help you, anytime.”
“You are growing, changing, and learning from your mistakes. You have a way to go, but you’re making progress. Keep at it.”
“You’re a diamond in the rough. When the rough parts have been worn off, you’ll sparkle, and those around you will be high five-ing you.”
References:
Seligman, M. 1991. Learned Optimism. Knopf.
Seligman, M. 2002. Authentic Happiness. Free Press.